Spice it Up: Rekindling Passion Through the Playful World of Kink And BDSM

By: Yani Roman, MSW, LSW

In long-term relationships, emotional and physical intimacy play a crucial role in maintaining a deep connection with your partner. However, one common challenge many couples face is desire discrepancy—when partners have differing levels of interest in sex, affection, or closeness. This mismatch can create tension, misunderstandings, and distance between partners, making it harder to connect in meaningful ways. A lot of other times, couples report sex not feeling “exciting” which cause a sexual disconnect, having sex can begin to feel like a “chore”, something to do because society has engrained it in you that you must have sex multiple times per week/day.

But what happens when sex is not exciting?

Understanding and addressing desire discrepancies is key to overcoming this barrier and fostering a healthier, more exciting and fulfilling relationship between you and your partner.  

What’s often overlooked, is how exploring alternative forms of intimacy—such as BDSM and kink—can help couples navigate desire discrepancies in ways that feel empowering and fulfilling. BDSM offers a unique avenue for exploring power dynamics, trust, and vulnerability, creating space for both partners to express their desires in ways that may not fit the traditional mold of sexual connection. Kink, with its wide range of practices and creative expressions, can also open doors to new kinds of emotional and physical intimacy that reignite passion and help balance mismatched desires between you and your partner. 

Let’s define BDSM and Kink: 

Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, Sadism, and Masochism (BDSM) is a term used to describe sex that involves dominance, submission, and control. This consist of a practice in which a partner is taking a much more dominant role during sex while the other partner takes on a more submissive role. Some of these dynamics can consist of control, restraint, and consensual role-playing, allowing you and your partner to explore different aspects of dominance, submission, and pleasure in a safe consensual way. 

According to Michael Aaron, Ph.D., "Kink" is a broad term that encompasses a wide variety of consensual, non-traditional sexual, sensual, and intimate behaviors that partners can explore with each other. These practices often go beyond conventional sexual norms and can include everything from power dynamics to sensory play, offering couples the opportunity to express their desires and experiment with intimacy in ways that feel both exciting and fulfilling.

Experiencing desire discrepancy in your relationship doesn’t mean that your relationship is doomed, but it is an important sign that certain aspects of your sexual connection may no longer feel as exciting or fulfilling as they once did. By acknowledging this and having an open and honest conversation with your partner, you can start to identify what might be missing or what has changed in your sexual dynamic. These discussions can help you explore new ways to reconnect and discover forms of intimacy, such as new activities, fantasies, or even kinks that you might be interested in incorporating into your sex life. Through this process of exploration and communication, you can strengthen your bond and reignite the passion in your relationship.

But, what are some ways in which you and your partner can begin exploring this conversation?

Sex Therapy: Sex therapists can be valuable resources for individuals dealing with desire discrepancy in their relationships or those looking to explore new ways to reignite their sexual experiences. A sex therapist helps identify the unique needs and desires of each partner, working to strengthen their connection and create more fulfilling, satisfying experiences together.

Yes, No, Maybe So: This is an inventory list that you and your partner can explore together to identify specific kinks that you might be interested in engaging in. I am including a that you and your partner can explore together.

Graphic adapted from William Lynch, Sex Coach

Lola Page highlights activities that you and your partner can engage in when exploring BDSM, this can include bondage, where the use of ropes, scarves, or cuffs are used to restrain your partner. Chastity, a game of control that puts the submissive partner in a position where they are unable to use or touch their genitals, this can be a form of enhancing teasing or denial, which can make it more exciting for partners. Other activities can consist of cock and ball torture, breast torture, breath play and many more. 

Sid Treaster, LCSW, MED highlights other ways that exploring kinks in your relationship can create mutual satisfaction for you and your partner. In the article, Sid highlights that a deeper understanding of your partner’s desires can help you identify common grounds that you might have not been previously aware of. Additionally, finding time to educate yourself and your partner on potential interest can help address and destigmatize some of that shame around kink, or BDSM, “With some kinks also comes risk; be sure to educate yourself on best practices to avoid injury”

Navigating desire discrepancy in long-term relationships doesn’t have to mean the end of intimacy or connection. By opening up honest conversations and exploring new avenues of sexual expression—such as BDSM or kink—couples can create fresh opportunities for connection and excitement. These practices can offer a way to address mismatched desires, deepen trust, and reignite passion in ways that feel meaningful and empowering. The key is to approach these conversations with openness, curiosity, and mutual respect, allowing both partners to explore their needs, boundaries, and desires together. With time, patience, and a willingness to explore, couples can find new ways to connect, ensuring their bond remains strong and fulfilling, no matter how long they've been together.

I welcome you to further explore your sexual interests or desires by expressing curiosity in learning more, and discussing more ways of fulfilling your needs. A great start could be – “Oh Joy Sex Toy”