Unflood Your Arguments
by Stephen Heintz, LPC
For many of us, January is a month of fresh starts and new beginnings; a time to wipe the slate clean and move forward as the best possible version of ourselves. Having a flooding contract with your partner can be a great way to bring that same clean-slate spirit into your communication!
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Imagine an Olympic runner preparing for their event…
They stretch and get into position, soaking in the pageantry and pride of it all, listening to the roar of the crowd. The starting pistol fires, and the runner takes off at incredible speed. Their body is a perfectly honed machine, having trained years for this exact moment. The crowd fades from awareness as their focus narrows, adrenaline surges, heart rate increases, and they begin to sweat. Their breathing comes faster and deeper as they hit their pace
Suddenly, a figure comes dashing up along the side of the runner, just entering their peripheral vision. Is it a fellow athlete?
No! It’s the runner’s romantic partner.
“I wanted to ask you,” the partner calls out over the cheering crowd, “what did you mean last night when you said I seem ‘tired a lot lately?’ It hurt my feelings.”
The words barely even register to the runner, as they strain to process what’s happening, to remember the conversation, to recall what was said, and when, and why--or to comprehend how their partner is running this fast in crocs and jeans! In this moment their mind and body are completely focused on speed, and try as they might, they just can’t wrap their head around the question.
Between breaths, all the runner manages to ask is, “Uh, can we talk after the race?”
Human minds and bodies are capable of some truly remarkable things. But while the nervous system gives power to that runner’s muscles and makes them able to perform incredible physical feats, that same nervous system can simultaneously limit their access to their mental strengths: memory, problem-solving, information processing, empathy, and creativity. Even if our runner is great with a nuanced, emotionally-sensitive conversation in a calm state, they’re just not physically capable of it in the middle of a race.
Of course, it’s not just athletes whose nervous systems get fired up, and it’s not just a thing that happens during physical activity. Any kind of stressful situation can kick our minds and bodies over into an activated state of “fight/flight/freeze,” including the stress of difficult emotional conversations. When it happens in an argument, relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman refers to this physical and mental state as being “flooded.”
In Gottman’s book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, he writes, “When your body goes into overdrive during an argument, it is responding to a very primitive alarm system we inherited from our prehistoric ancestors. All those distressful reactions, like a pounding heart and sweating, occur because on a fundamental level your body perceives your current situation as dangerous… the human body has not refined its fear reactions—it responds the same way, whether you’re facing a saber-toothed tiger or a contemptuous spouse.”
So, what can we do in that flooded state, when our most effective communication skills and mental capabilities have been closed off to us by a nervous system that thinks it’s helping us survive a tiger attack? How do we grit our teeth, dig deep, push hard, and access our most nuanced mental tools?
We don’t! In fact, in a flooded state, trying and failing is only going to keep us flooded longer.
This is where the flooding contract comes in. A flooding contract is an agreement made in a calm, level headspace between two or more people who want to help make sure their communication is as productive as possible. The contract has five major pieces, and could sound something like this:
1. Signal that you’re flooded - “Whenever one of us realizes they’re feeling flooded, the flooded person will give a signal we’ve agreed on ahead of time. This can be a word like “flooded,” “timeout,” or anything that will be easy for us to remember.” (It can also be helpful to agree on a special hand gesture... preferably a polite hand gesture.)
2. Stop the conversation - “Once someone has signaled that they are flooded, we agree to put the conversation on hold and take a break. We will physically separate from each other for at least 20 minutes but (if possible) no longer than 24 hours.”
3. Self-soothe - “We agree that this period of separation will be focused on self-soothing to get out of the flooded state. It could be a walk, meditation, deep breathing exercises, listening to calming music, or whatever else we find helpful to achieve a calm, clear-thinking mindset.”
4. Avoid ruminating - “We also agree that this period of separation is not a punishment, and is not the time for anyone to stew, replaying in our minds the events that led up to the flooding in the first place. It is also not a time to prepare arguments or talking points for when we reconnect. Thinking about these things will only make self-soothing more challenging.”
5. Agree to reconvene - “We agree that the purpose of this separation is not to avoid the situation, but to return at a later time when no-one is flooded; to continue the conversation in a way that can be as productive as possible.”
I’ve seen the flooding contract do a lot of good for a lot of people--it’s one of the few tools I think absolutely everyone could benefit from having in their communication toolbox. If this sounds like something you’d like to have in your relationship, consider bringing it up the next time you’re together. Much like the runner asking to talk to their partner after the race, we can use a flooding contract to make sure we bring the best version of ourselves to the conversation—to set ourselves up for success!