Cultivating Intimacy without Sex
By: Yani Roman, MSW, LSW
Many times, clients seek couples counseling to establish a more effective way of communicating with their partners, as well as build a better intimate relationship. I have worked alongside couples that would like to build intimacy, but aren’t quite sure what that entails. For many of them, intimacy consists of sex, despite this, a lot of individuals face difficulties establishing intimacy in and out of the bedroom. Recently, one of my couples said, “I don’t know how to intimately connect without feeling like it’s going to lead to sex”. Often, we have a partner that has a higher libido than the other and this creates a lot of tension and frustration, this is where we as the clinician come in. The question for us lies in, “How can I help them navigate ways to build intimacy that makes both parties feel safe and comfortable while meeting their needs?”
Well, through my work at Soleil, I’ve uncovered different forms of intimacy that couples can further explore with one another.
Emotional Intimacy – One of the things that I have incorporated as a clinician is the importance of “check-ins” or as I call them, “family meetings”. This is a space where both individuals can come together to share thoughts and feelings, about themselves individually and about their relationship. This is a place where there should be intention and curiosity to actively listen, ask questions, and show compassion to one another. I typically recommend my clients schedule something weekly with one another. This can be a 30-minute check-in or as long as both of you have the capacity to do a check-in. Remember, this space should be used intentionally and with the common understanding that it is a safe space both of you have created to be able to be vulnerable with one another.
Physical Intimacy – Non-sexual physical intimacy is an important way of creating a sense of comfort and safety with your partner. Physical intimacy can consist of holding hands and cuddling while you’re watching your favorite movie. This can also consist of giving your partner a massage or intentionally kissing without the expectation that it will lead to sex. I typically recommend clients to go on a nice stroll and, while walking, hold hands, allowing each other to identify what they are feeling as they are aware of this form of physical intimacy they are having with one another.
Intellectual Intimacy – Having meaningful conversations with your partner about things that you might be passionate about is another form of building intimacy. This can be about things that matter to you that are happening around the world, or sharing some knowledge in hopes to educate your partner on something that you feel is very near and dear to you. Building intellectual intimacy can be another form of discovering new thoughts, ideas, or feelings that your partner might have. Who knows, you might learn to have something in common that you would have otherwise not known.
Experiential Intimacy– I saved the best for last. Experiential intimacy is one of my all-time favorite ways to connect with the person that you love or care for. This form of intimacy can help you and your partner create core memories, grow closer, and create a sense of connectedness. Things like travel, going to concerts, watching your favorite TV show, or trying delicious foods around the city are all ways to create those experiences with one another."
The message here is that there are different ways to build a connection with your partner without feeling pressure to have sex if that is not where you or your partner might be at this time. One of the things that I am learning as a clinician is that a lot of times clients come to me not just because they want to establish better communication and have a more active sex life, but because they are feeling disconnected from their partner in some way.
What are your takeaways from this?